Friday, July 19, 2013

Dear God
God I'd like to thank you for restoring me and giving me a fresh start. I thank you for your everlasting love and mercy. I desired to bow before you. I desire to worship and serve you.  I desire to make you my priest and King. You deserve all the honor and glory all the power. I lay before you meek and humble. I lay before a great King a wonderful creator and father. Lord you have been my sustainance. You have been my protector. There will never be a man as wonderful as you. Your ahve given me so many gifts and talents and i truly thank you!!  Lord thank you for my gifts, thank you for allowing me to use my gifts for your glory. God if I forget please tug on my heart and put me back in place. I desire to obey and submit to you. You are my master and i desire to be a slave for you. I desire to be your most faithful and obidient daughter. Lord I love you, I worship you forever and ever. I praise you. I wish i could preach your greatness from the highest mountain. God direct me like a lost sheep. Use your had to guide me and push me to be evern more like you. Teach me to love, teach me to tell YOUR truth. Teach me to honor and respect you and worship and spend quality time with you. I love you daddy. I adore you. You are the best thing that has happened to me. you are the only one that matters. I put you before my husband, children, family and friends. I want to be with you and around you all the days of my life. You are so much more thatn all the diamonds, homes and cars the world can give me. You are worth far more than the money you've blessed me with. God i need you, I need you so bad right now. I need your strong arms around me. I need to hear your heartbeat. I need to hear your voice and look into your beautiful eyes and just be with you. I love you. Stay with me......

Love,
Andrea B.

Monday, May 6, 2013

confused......

So should I be mad that I haven't heard from her. I mean, I did carry your baby. The least you could do is call to see if i'm ok!!! Well maybe my thoughts are unreasonable, it's not like she owes me anything......Well then again.......let me not say that, you just never know who's reading your blog.
I feel used. Here I am 33 and i'm unable to have my own baby. 3 miscarriages in a matter of 1 year???? I'm praying for peace.

sigh....

thinking.....writers block....speechless.....

Friday, January 4, 2013

From the Mouth of a Surrogate Part II

**Note to reader you must read part one so that part II makes sense......here it goes....

Well the day to leave this room I had been so aquainted with has come. The new "old" man has managed to be with me all three days. He comforts me when he's there. My cousin, hubby, and new baby share a room next door. Every once and a while she comes to my room with the baby and sits there just staring at her...so beautiful. ***anyway****
The day is finally here..I'm excited, sad, happy, and nervous at the same time. I don't know what life has in store for the "unpregnant" me. I sit in my bed feeling regular, unimportant, irrelevant. All the attention that i received from family and friends has now been placed on that beautiful baby in the other room.  I pray for God to renew me. For him to help me to not become emotional, to not drown myself and pity and post partum depression. Peace comes over me as I realize that God has a plan for my life. I smile to myself as i lay in this OH SO COMFORTABLE BED!! I've vowed to make this my go- to doctor and hospital if God ever blesses me with a baby of my own. ok..i'm back.... I call my new "old" man, he tells me "baby i'm down the street, will be there shortly!" He finally arrives, the nurse comes in loads me in the wheel chair and parks me outside the hospital. Self-pity over takes me as i wait on curb for my lover to bring the car around. I'm there with a balloon, ivy plant, and myself....kinda odd to be discharged from the maternity ward... The family in the car preparing to leave with their new baby keeps glancing at me. "WHY IN THE HELL DO THEY KEEP STARING AT ME!! I wonder, I bet there wondering "where's her baby? who is she waiting for? oh poor lady, i bet her baby died!" sigh.....speculators....  I try to avoid contact as to not welcome any unwanted pity smiles and/or questions from them. My lover finally finds his car and pulls up....THANK YOU JESUS!! FINALLY the stares can cease!!! He helps me get in the car, we drive away...I'm a bit sad as we pull away from this place.
We finally make it home. The days after have become fuzzy, I don't remember much. By week two I'm sick...mastisis...or something like that has taken over my body...mainly my left boob!!! OUCH!!! fever,shivers, weakness...damn!!! Go to the doctor, gets prescription, all is well.....
***two weeks later***
I'm walking in the store and i feel something wet on my shirt...What the hell? I look down and milk is all over my favorite Juicy Couture Tee! I'm furious, then i'm reminded of when i was pregnant with my own daughter and how every damn time she cried my boobs leaked!! I stop in the middle of the store, pull out my cell phone and call my cousin. "What's wrong with Baby M, she's crying isn't she?"  "Yeah, how did you know?" replied my cousin. "I'm leaking, she's hungry, feed her now!" I stressed. Silence falls over the phone. I can imagine my cousin pulling the phone from her ear looking at it and shocked by my request.."Wow! She is hungry, I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with her for the last 30 minutes! That's crazy keke!!!" she says.
I hang up, and feel tears falling down my face, the lady in the pasta aisle looks at me strange.I'm sad, because she's no longer with me, but shedding tears of joy because she's connected to me in some way. I'm happy again, and continue shopping.....
***one and a half months later***
Divorce is final, the new "old" lover and I have been going strong for a while, even talking marriage. We move into our own place...FREEDOM!!! I haven't heard much from my cousin and the baby...bittersweet, but whatever!!! Life is good, back to work....fired from job three months later......What? You're thinking i'm sad?.....NOT!!!! God has really been busy in my life. So many blessings and I'm feeling more is in store for me! The love and I have decided to marry initially the wedding was scheduled for April 2012, we both can't wait that long! December 31, 2011it is!!!.....lol! one month from now!!
**one month later**

We're married. Life is good.  All the hurt and pain i endured about letting the baby go has been taken over with the life God has blessed me with. I'm adjusting well. People still continue to ask me "How does it feel?" Did they pay you? Do you ever see her? When will you have your own baby?"  I begin to get freakin annoyed by all these questions!! What are you looking for? A sob story? I'M FINE! None of your damn business! Of course i see her she's my effin cousin! When I'm good and ready I will!!! Leave me alone already!!!!....I think to myself.......o_O

Baby M is growing healthy and strong i hear. I still hear her cry from the delivery, i still smell her, sometime at night if i lay really still, i can feel her moving or feel her tiny hear beat. I miss her. She was apart of me. I feel the baby blues coming on...I pray....ok I'm over it....back to my life...My husband, my babies......

***Present day***

Life is quiet now. Life is peaceful. I'm settling into this niche' of being a wife and mother to my own child. God has kept my mind in tact. I feel like that part of my life was a dream, like it never happened. Will i ever do it again? I don't think so. It was fun, but not a career changer.
Very few people have the opportunity to say "I was a surrogate" Surrogacy is taboo in a lot of places, especially for African Americans, so I can consider myself extremely special! I'm thankful that God found me worthy enough to do such a wonderful thing. It's still sorda surreal to me. Baby M is one now, healthy strong, and very striking personality resemblance to myself! She's full of life. She dances like her mom, athletic like her dad, and vocal like myself! I've left my impression on her. When i see her, i don't pick her up, but stare at her from a distance and just let her be her. I will let her find out how she was brought into this world on her on. She will find out how special she is. Her mommy and daddy wanted her so much that they took the ultimate gamble of using me...The goofy chick with the loud voice. I'm honored to be surro mommy, I'm even more honored that God likes me so much to make me one......




The faux bun......




So here are a few pics of the bun I've been rocking over the last few weeks...... This style takes you from the office to the dance floor with just a switch of the eyeshadow, heels, and earrings.....
I love this care free style. It' takes me all of 5 minutes to smooth and add the bun...
Here's what i used to achieve this syle

*Hair pins
*eco-styler gel
*rubber bands
*Miss Jessie's Baby Butter Creame
*Sebastian Drench Shampoo and Conditioner
*jumbo bulk braid hair ($1.99 at the BSS)
*Sanex Strips

-I shampooed and conditioned my hair with Sebastian Drench Shampoo and Conditoner
-After that i heavily moisturized with Miss Jessie's Baby Butter Creme....eeh...review later....
-slick back my hair in to a ponytail with the eco styler gel.
-Tied my edges down with Sanex Strips (you can use a scarf, but since i had them in my cabinet i figured...What the hey!!!)
-After my edges set I applied the bulk braided hair and losely twisted the hair securing the ends with a rubber band.
-Wrapped the hair around my ponytail, securing it with hair pins
-Finished with a fly pair of earrings and eyeshadow.....
-yelled into the other room....."ok baby, i'm ready!!!!"

Let the journey begin....NO...I'M SERIOUS THIS TIME!!! LOL!

So I've decided to use this blog as an outlet to track my length retention and hair journey!!!! I will post pics of all my styles and maybe a how to here and there!!!! I'm crossing my fingers and praying for God to give me strength!! This should be fun. ...........pictures coming shortly.....

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

From the mouth of a Surrogate......

I'm not sure of how to tell this story. I've been wanting to tell it for quite some time. Now. I've been asked "why?" so many times. Why would I sacrifice 10 months of my life for someone that doesn't belong to me? I still remember those horrific hormone injections i had to place in my thigh and tummy every morning before i left work and before i went to bed. I still remember all those pill bottles and suppositories I had to insert!!! GROSS!!!! I still remember being emotionally unstable because all of those hormones were working against me, but for the growing child inside of me. I miss her being there. Sometimes I find myself rubbing my stomach and realize that she's gone. She's been outta there for almost 2 years now. I despised those kicks to my ribs. I cringe when i think about her little toes tickling my ribs, or were they fingers?"
Everyone is shocked when they find out what I'd done. I don't know why. I feel emotionless about it. It's almost as if it never happened to me. I still can recall the first initial doctors meeting. I was given a calendar, some blue pills and some birth control pills. "Take these and come back in two weeks!" said the frail Philipino nurse. I can still feel the internal ultrasound poking and proding my insides. I can hear the doctor swooning over my uterus and exclaiming how beautiful it was and how comfortable the eggs will be laying on it......WEIRD......O_o?
Then September 27th came. I remember that morning, my ex-husband was so into facebook and texting his "homegirl" that he didn't even realize how surreal this situation was. I hoped and prayed he wouldn't wear them damn jean shorts and dingy H-town t-shirt!.., HE DID!!....Damn I hate him!!!!
***sigh.....anyway***
 We walked in the part of the doctor's office we had never seen before. It was as if we had graduated to this room... We'd spent countless days in the front of the office, then to the back with an ultrasound machine with a 13 inch portable tv being propped up by an old white bucket, to this beautiful room that was dimly lit with a 42 inch flatscreen monitor. It was like another world.
I lay back and spread my tired legs. Here goes that damn internal ultrasound, then some clicking noises then my cousin squeals!! What the hell is she crying about....Oh maybe it's that box that contains her offsprings..... I look over to my left at the big screen and see 5 microscopic dots  falling in a single file line and landing on my cushiony uterus!!! lol.......gross huh?....but beautiful to me..... "lay there for a minute" said the mean hispanic nurse. She has always made me feel uneasy, but today i love her, she means more to me that she will ever know. Today her eyes are comforting. Her heavy warm hands calm me, then i find myself singing a praise song I've always loved.
"there is a sweet annointing
in the sanctuary, there is
 a stillness, in the atmosphere
come and lay down the burden
you have carried, for in the
sanctuary, God is here"
This dim room became my sanctuary, it became a place of tranquility. And as calmly as those litle embryos fell on the floor of my uterus, the more calm my cousin, the nurse and the doctors became. And just like that it was over. The tubes came out, my legs were able to rest, the lights came on, and my journey began!!!
7,20,100,120,121,300,1200, I began to hate numbers!!!!!! hcG numbers annoy me. I never knew what a damn hcG number meant until i became pregnant with this baby!!!!! For every 48 hours the numbers rose it's a good thing...the baby is growing...you're gonna make it!!! But for every 48-72 hours the number does not double, it's not a good pregnancy, prepare for the worse, stop taking your medications! for 3 days those damn numbers did not double, they stayed the same!!!! I'm nerved up, my cousin is furious, crying. I spent the majority of those days blaming myself and my ex-husband. He whines and bitches about how I don't love him!!! "I'm on effing bed rest for God's sake!!!!" Look why dont you just leave and do us both a favor. If i stress myself out, i'm gonna lose this baby!" Looking back I kinda think that's what he wanted to happen. Around that time, I hated him. I hated the way he looked, smelled, whined!!!!He was such a bitch!!! So much to where i couldn't be. I despised him and his womanly ways....
Well back to these damn numbers. they stayed. i had prepared my spirit for the worse....I prayed that my cousin's heart will be lifted. "keke, no matter what happens, I thank you and i love you so much for what you did for me and my husband. I owe you my life!"
6 weeks, 2 months, 3 months.......in the middle of those months however hubby left, he said he's moving in with his mom (Thank you Jesus!!)....sorta bitter sweet. bitter because I was thinking "who am i gonna find to help me move all my ish outta this apartment?", sweet because I had been praying for this since before this pregnancy. I hoped he finally realized that he didn't fit in this new life of mine. I loved him, but this journey was much bigger that him or us. I disobeyed God for marrying this man. My life was dark, i was tired, morning sickness had taken over me. My heart yearned for the return of my "old" lover, and because of that, I couldn't be the wife that this lover needed.  Then out of the darkness,  I could see a familiar silouhette, I heard a familiar voice. It was him...the man in my prayers.. The "old" man! He had changed so much since those days of our youth. I've loved this new "old" man since i was 12.. and now he's back, I've prayed for this to happen too. When he came back (this new "old" man) it seems like the baby I was carrying livened up!!! Those damn hcG numbers quadrupled!! I felt her move for the first time. She had SO MUCH LIFE!!!! My new man took care of us, fed us stuffed shrimp and baked potatoes!!!! lol!!! He laid with us by the lakes and fed us grapes, cheese, and crackers on cold days in Galveston. He spoiled us like we were his own. He took us places that i had never been before. He treated us likes queens and princesses.
June 1st  finally came. My new lover held my hand and walked me into the labor and delivery room. He kissed my forehead and told me everything will be fine. He prayed over me and told me how he wished that this was "our" baby. Uh oh! here comes my cousin...late as usual! lol!! All i can see is red lights and flashes, i felt like paparrazi had taken over the room and i was the star!!! Damn! here comes the nurse with all those damn needles and ivs. I've been feeling like a pen cushion for damn near 2 years! The baby has been sleeping most of the morning, i guess she figured she may as well get her last good nap before she enters this noisy world!!! Two hours since i walked into this room and now the moment we've all been waiting for is here. My eyes start to tear up because i've just realized that this part of my life is over. No more needles, no more ultrasounds, no more jabs to my kidneys and ribs...she's gonna leave me now.
I walk into this bright room!!! is this heaven?.....naw just the surgery room!!!! Epidural in, stomach sterilized, let's get to cuttin'! I feel a tug, thumb, spring noise, clicking, baby scream, now a grown man crying...it's her daddy.....sucker!! lol!! She's here, red, long legs, fat cheeks, asian like eyes. She's absolutely beautiful!!!! My work is done on this side. Time to move on now.. stiches, check! cozy bed, check! where's my sweet 6 year old??? oh ok, check! Now where's my man...there he is...I can rest now.....
To be continued.....